


a body in a blackout

by localdisasterisk



Series: ghost + guest [2]
Category: Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: (these last three are related), Alien Cultural Differences, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Cassandra-Style Premonitions, Dubious Science, Epic Tomrey QPR, Hotly Debated Star Trek Opinions: TWO!, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Horrible Canon Events, Minor Character Death, Other, Partial Mind Control, Pining, Pre-Canon, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, Unreliable Narrator, Video Game Mechanics, benrey is a little gay bitch and gordon is so so so oblivious, chapter threes CONTINUE to hurt, stylistic fuckery Galore, unreality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29565003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localdisasterisk/pseuds/localdisasterisk
Summary: Benrey has a Routine and a Schedule, like a big important serious person, with order. And stuff. It's very important. They wake up Josh for his afternoon shift, they guard the doors with Jefferem and keep sciences from stealing, and then they walk around being hall monitor until the little bells go off and they can go to the Anomalous Guard Dorms to play video games. Unless Jefferem's broken the console again. Then he goes to Tommy's Black Mesa Dorms and chills.(Sometimes, they visit Gordon and watch Star Trek with him. Benrey knows all the TV passwords because they'rebestfriends.)The worst part about having a routine is when it gets broken.
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey (Half-Life) & Original Character(s), Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: ghost + guest [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159229
Comments: 33
Kudos: 49





	1. [DEVICE IS NOT CHARGING]

**Author's Note:**

> ALRIGHT. part two. let's go. this is a companion piece/sequel to a ghost in my own bones, and it can... maybe be read standalone? but agimob provides a lot more context for. *gestures at the weird world I've built.* so I'd recommend checking that out at some point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for:  
> -benrey-typical word salad  
> -mentioned human experimentation (benrey is not the only inhuman guard)  
> -mentioned animal death  
> -weird biology  
> -canon-typical violence between good buddies  
> -benrey dies for a bit  
> -a character sees the future (specifically the ResCas) and freaks the fuck out

Things in nature don't fall into neat little categories the way a lot of humans like to pretend they do. Like, people wanna think that everything on Earth is one thing or something else, and they'll _maybe_ let there be another group of things. Benrey hasn't seen a lot of Earth, but that's ringing his Bullshit Alert. Things are things, and you can't sort them away neatly; that takes away the Thingsness of them. It's basic math. There's exceptions to everything, so you can't slap little sticky labels on them and call it all a day, even if you're gonna poke around at things and go, "ohhh actually, we were Wrong the whole time this actually goes in This New Category" because fuck you, now you're just putting a different still wrong little sticky label on it. Fucked up and stupid. But, like, the thing about everything having exceptions is that "you can't put things into categories" has its exceptions, too. Shit's confusing, honestly — too many things.

There are two easily definable sections of Benrey's life: Xenbaby and Earthboy.

Xenbaby was when he was still 83-n and Ben and Benny, and he didn't know how to pretend to be a Human Person. He ate soda cans whole without tasting them, and he bit any of the sciences that came too close that weren't Tommy, and he used his sights instead of his sounds. Xenbaby Benrey was an idiot. Cringe little baby. Dumbass. Benrey's glad he's not that one anymore.

Earthboy was when he was Benry, and now, when he's Benrey. They can be pretty Human when they need to, and they don't taunt scientists unless they can eat them quickly and without anyone noticing. (They've taken bites out of half the people working at Black Mesa, but they've only _eaten_ two of them. Tommy gives him disappointed looks whenever someone mentions those scientists' work, but Dr. Moore shouldn't have been a sucksman if he didn't want to get cronched.) Earthboy Benrey isn't a Regular Person, but he's… y'know. Normal. Normalman Feelsagood. It's why he's got the Gatesman Job. Securing guards, and shit. Black Mesa even lets them have a room with other Normalmen Feelagood, like Gordon's kid who isn't Gordon's kid even though they have the same name that's not actually the same.

Earth's fucking weird. Benrey doesn't think they could keep up if they were a human; there are too many complications that they don't get his Xenly Insight in, and it'd be even more confusing without that.  
Benrey's talking to himself, just dimly, saying pinks and blues and orangey-yellows. Josh Freerdon-Reaman pokes them with his foot. Josh FEETdon. Freertdon. R– fuck. How's he moving his leg that far off the top bunk? Benrey's floating again or something; damn, they've got Mad Levitatiory Powers but only on accident. Sick. "Benrey," Josh whispers.

"huh?"

It's lights-out, beddy-bye, and all the human guards are supposed to be sleeping. Josh is a mostly-human guard, so he's breaking the– he's breaking the _rules,_ he can't do that! "Can you be quieter, please? I think my hearing's getting better, and the high pitches kinda hurt." Benrey smacks their lips, turning over in midair and then belly-flopping back down into their mattress.

He says, "just sleep louder, bro," but he says it in quiet words into the fabric, so it's chill. People are chill if you tell them mean shit when you show them you're not ever mean to anyone, and that's a Earth Fact. You're welcome for hearing it. Josh hums as loud as he can, which isn't very because it's _sleepy time,_ like the tea, but it's pitched like green as a pear means we're square, so Benrey hums back. It splatters against his pillow. Fuck. (Josh giggles and Benrey gasps scandalously. Scandalized. One of those. Because Josh Babyman _planned this,_ and he's laughing about it. Nasty baby. Fucked up. Joshcruela.) "go eat some dalmations," Benrey mutters, flipping the pillow over so he doesn't go to sleep soaking in greens like some kind of vegan. Josh muffles his laughter with something fleshy, probably his little baby hand, and Benrey grins to themself.

Josh is still an Earthbaby, so it's Benrey's job as Earthboy to make sure he's alright. Take care of the little man and teach him as much Sweet Voice as his mostly-human self can manage. Raise the kid right since Gordon isn't allowed into the security guard dorms overnight. Basic stuff.

(Benrey's not stupid, alright? He knows that Josh is technically a grownup. But humans grow slower than things like Benrey do, and Benrey's still been Benrey longer than Josh has been alive. He's not human or a baby anymore, but it's one of those categorization things – Josh is grown and a youngling and a hatchling all at once. Benrey doesn't see the point in trying to pick them all out of each other like itty bitty grains of rice when it's all getting cooked the same anyway.)

* * *

Benrey confiscated a dead mutant pigeon from one of the interns on her way out, and he's going to give it to Tommy as a gift. Jefferem says you give your girlfriend food to be romantic, and Jefferem knows what he's talking about because he's security chief; being Chief of things means knowing stuff. It's basic math. Dead mutant pigeon isn't people food, and Tommy's not their girlfriend, but romance means kisses, and Benrey's all about those, so it checks out. It gets the… Benrey Seal Of Correct.

The problem is that they can't find Tommy, which is fucking. Mean and rude of the world. Sucks of it. Benreyphobia. Black Mesa officially Xenophobic, more at nine. It takes some effort, but he manages to root around through his categories and rice until he finds the one he built himself off of and tugs at it, sending bass-pluck waves through where the bones are supposed to be. Their chest makes space for the hum, and it tugs toward the Base Component, which Benrey trots along after. Tommy time.

Benrey is very polite and doesn't go through the door that he's getting tugged against right away, tapping the little button that means he's asking for permission first. Consent is important. Also, Black Mesa might put them back in storage if they break into a Lab where Tests are happening again. Probably not. But maybe. It _would_ make Tommy upset, which is Big Mean, so Benrey waits patiently for the button to do its job. Tommy's voice comes through the sprinkles below the button, saying, "Dr. Coolatta; what's– what's up?"

"yo," Benrey says, "you wanna… finch?"

There's a long pause that Benrey's pretty sure means Thinking Is Happening, and then Tommy says, "Not– n, uh, maybe! Later. Put it in a bag, and then put the– the first bag– uh, take a second bag and put ice in it! And then put, the first bag in the second bag and leave it in my locker, please!" Benrey nods to themself. Standard romance procedures; Tommy asks him to do things like this for most of the dead food he finds. Benrey's gonna get so kissed.

Back to the sprinkles, "cool." They reshuffle their categories so that the hum isn't as tuggy and wander off to find some ziploc. Zipped Lock. Gundy probably has some. She's good at having stuff and also at having things.

* * *

Gordon Reaman-Freerdon is a dumbass. Scientifically proven. Idiot man. Deadbeat dad. Had to google his son's baby pictures, massively fucked up of him. "Dude," he laughs, and the humming lights hit him way worse than the sunlight did, the one time Benrey got to see that happen, "what are you fucking _talking about?"_ Benrey blinks at him.

"they're in love," they repeat dumbly because they aren't sure what else to say.

“Janeway’s a _professional,_ man! She’s not gonna fall for her second-in-command!”

"heart wants what the heart wants," Benrey tells him wisely.

Gordon laughs again, still holding the crunched-up McDonald's wax paper in his hand, and shakes his head. "You're wrong. You're just wrong! I– I don't even have words to explain to you how wrong you are. They're both consummate professionals, alright? You don’t– they had like _a scene_ where it was _implied_ that there might be _some tension._ That’s not love!”

Benrey leans against the wall. "it's 'cause they were um. scared. of the aliens." Gordon splutters vaguely, and Benrey asks, "you gonna kiss someone on an alien planet straight away?"

“If I was _in love with them,_ probably!”

Benrey starts planning a way to take Gordon back home and starts planning all of the ways to avoid being home with Gordon, ever, at the same time. Categories are confusing, so Benrey doesn't think about them that hard, but he knows that Gordon and Tommy are in different categories. The overlap is Homies because you gotta kiss the homies, and Benrey's gotta give 'em both kisses, so they've gotta be Homies. Because of how things are. But there are other categories wrapped up around both of his homies that are just Diff Rents. They've known Tommy since always, 'cause Tommy's their Base, so he's based as hell, and Benrey loves him. Red to blue means I love you. But Gordon… they've known him since years ago, and they're Best Friends, and Benrey loves him. It's really the same, but still different because _pink_ to blue means I love you. And Gordon can't know about the pink, not like Tommy can know about the red. 

"slut," Benrey says, and Gordon wheezes, the waxpaper crumpling even more.

* * *

Kirby falls off the island, and Jefferem snaps his controller in half. "OOOH FUCKED UP," Benrey yells, leaning away so the Chief can't snap theirs, too, asking with his buttons for Wario to please and thank you obliterate Kirby the second he respawns. "FUCKED UP FUCKED UP FUCKED UP—" Jefferem kicks the Wii, and the whole everything shuts off as his foot connects— "NOOOOO! brooooo!! what the fuck?" Jefferem chucks half of the controller at their face, and Benrey ducks it because they've been having game nights since Benrey got Official Security Privileges, and Jefferem fucks up and breaks shit every, always, all the time, so they know how to dodge his baby ragequit. Sore little loser man. Can't keep up with Benrey's epic fuckin skills.

The other half of the controller hits him in the jaw and dislocates it. Ow. "c'mon," Benrey whines, cracking his skull back together, and the Chief's eyes get all crinkly like a human-smile, but Benrey's pretty sure he's doing this one to be mean. Fucked up. Evil old man.

Now that his hands are free (because he murdered a controller, it's fucked up, there's gonna need to be so many geek squads in here), Jefferem fingerspells, "Oops."

"i'm gonna kill you in real life." Jefferem's doing his human-smile when he lunges, and Benrey shouts, ducking under his arms to avoid getting their head crushed like a little beetle. "can't believe you'd do this to me," he adds when the chief snags him by the throat and crushes his windpipe. (It's probably on purpose, too. Rude. Abuse of power. Unworthy of Security Chiefdom; Benrey feels extremely unsecure, thank you?) "jefferem sorey. sore loser. killing things and shit; fucked up." Jefferem's eyes crumple up again as he holds Benrey off the ground and shakes them like a dog with a bone.

Benrey lets it kill them just to spite him.

When he's not dead anymore, Jefferem's sitting on the Gaming Couch with two slightly dented cans of Grape Fanta and waiting very, very politely for him to come back. "didn't even have a funeral?" Benrey asks, offended. Jefferem's eyebrows get all pinchy, and he picks up one of the cans. It dents a little more. "fantaral," Benrey says in understanding, and Jefferem nods, gesturing with the soda. He must squeeze it too hard because it explodes in his hand. "ha." The other Fanta can hits him in the face and also explodes, shooting can shrapnel and carbonated purple all over the place. Jefferem is a homie, but he's also evil? Benrey's just decided: Completely Evil big-boy man.

The Chief draws a little smiley face in front of the bottom of his face and twiddles his fingers a bit in the air above where dimples would be if he had them.

* * *

Tommy has the best dorm. Every Black Mesa dorm is really bad and lame, but Tommy's rules because it's his. There's a minifridge _just_ for Benrey, and Tommy doesn't even make him clean it out every time something goes bad! Benrey gets to eat so many rotten molds and slimes and oozes that the cafeteria won't let the public access because the lunch ladies keep it all for themselves. (Tommy _does_ make them clean their mouth between eating from their fridge and giving him kisses, but that's alright. Benrey's not a _nasty man,_ he gets the fucking– clean. Mr. Clean. They brush their hands and wash their teeth and take themself for walks.)

Tommy's dorm also has a Tommy in it, which is the best ever. Benrey starts walking into him the second he opens the door, like a terrible NPC created by Todd Howard, who doesn't know what a collision course is. "hello, excuse me, sir. excuse me, i need to come through here, please? i need to do a routine playstation inspection, please and thank you, sir?" Tommy lets himself be walked at for a second because he's a bro, but then he scoops Benrey up under the arms and sets him down inside on the carpet. Fucked up. They can't believe they just got longcatted by their own Base. "i'm gonna lose all my legs," Benrey complains, slumping to the couch on the legs he's gonna lose because Tommy won't let him use them, and Tommy locks the door behind him and makes a beeline for the big, non-rotty refrigerator.

"You should– I'm not supposed to actually, um, let you in here! So we gotta be... careful." Tommy says, looking thoughtfully at what Benrey knows is the Biggest Collection Of Sodas, before carefully selecting a Pepsi, a Big Red, and a Barq's Rootbeer, then throwing them for Benrey to catch. They do, jumping up and collecting all the cans in their arms, yell heah, 100% run. "Also, I think your... your, uh, your sushi grew an entirely new species in it!" Benrey hums, popping the tab on his Pepsi (it's blue! Like him!! Blue drink for the blue boy, little boy blue gonna have a little blue bubble) and then shakes his head.

Reaching as far as they can to turn on the PS4, "that's how the fish-people get you."

"All fish-people come from gas-station sushi!"

"uhhhhhhh yeah. yep. everybody– everyone knows that. that's how we got. aquaman." Tommy grabs the controllers and sits down next to them, smooching their cheek as he sets the blue controller in their lap. Benrey gasps quietly and says, "bro... you love me? kisses time?" Tommy nods, being so serious, and that means it's Benrey's turn for kisses to try and make him laugh while the PS4 turns on. He says, "smorch," and "kees," and "mwah," between each one — damage multipliers.

Tommy's laughing in no time, batting him away so he can turn on his controller and sign in to PSN, but it's kisses time now. Tommy's sealed his fate.

Benrey doesn't realize why Tommy's grabbing at their hip until he cocks the gun and puts it against their forehead. "Mis– mission failed," Tommy tells him, still half-breathless with laughter, "we'll get 'em next! Next time!" Benrey groans, but he leans back and lets Tommy sign in. And also, they grab their gun back. Gun safety's important; that's the first thing he learned when they let him secure guards. "Mwah," Tommy adds, kissing the side of Benrey's helmet as he boots up COD. Damn. Lotta fishes today. Fishpartment. Fishdorm. Fishdom. Wait, is that what Aquaman's in charge of? Fishdom? Or is that what fishermen use to cast spells? Cast _nets._ Benrey's cracked the whole code.

"did i tell you about the– bro. tommy. have you ever seen a fish?"

Tommy gets his Jokes look on his face. "No! I, I never... I once read that fish have mercury in them, so i-if I ever look at one, the whole planet will crash into Earth and destroy it in a– in, in a fiery blaze!" He reaches over and turns on Benrey's controller for them.

Benrey opens their mouth to ask about fishdom classes but stops with their jaw still hanging. Tommy logs them in. "what?" Benrey asks. Mercury can't crash into Earth because of magnetic fish. Tommy nods again, serious even as his eyes go twinkle twinkle, and Benrey needs to think really, really hard about the planets. "what about the flytrap planet?"  
"Venus flytraps are weak to fish, Ben," Tommy says, and fuck. 

He's right. 

If you smacked a fish with a plant, the fish would win every time. It's like Digimon. "fucked up." Benrey puts a hand on his shoulder so they can push themself up and give him another quick smorch. "thank you for saving us from fish hell," they add, saluting. Tommy nods, saluting back because he's the best, and then they both start laughing. It's nice to hang out with Tommy in a real people dorm and not in the container for bad and nasty alien samples that Tommy had to keep breaking into; they didn't have video games in the container. Not that Benrey only hangs out with Tommy because he plays games with them! Tommy's already the best, but him having video games makes him a little bit bester. Bestest Base. Best Basest. Bastest Best Turkey Baster. Tommy Baster. Tommy, Bass-Boosted.

The terrorists kill Benrey while he's distracted.

Sometimes, video games are bad.

* * *

Josh is fidgeting in his bunk. "sleep louder." Josh goes still for a second, and then there are the noises of a little baby man climbing down the ladder and sitting down next to Benrey on the bottom bunk. "that's not sleep," Benrey tells him. Josh frowns. His eyes are red, which is new. Little baby man keeps getting powerups all the time – probably because he's almost done hatching. That's when Benrey's eyes started being there.

Josh says, "I think everyone's going to die tomorrow."

Benrey blinks. Squints. "huh?" Josh hums something like gold means don't be cold, picking up his feet and tucking his knees up to his chest. Okay, Benrey's not saying the right thing. Wuh-oh. "well, um. that sounds. scary." Josh groans, making a sound that slips in and out of even Benrey's ear range, and Benrey sits up. (Two very noisy thoughts are smacking the shit out of each other in Benrey's brain right now. Thought A: Josh is mostly human; even if he weren't, the inhuman bit isn't the same as Benrey, and even if either of those things weren't how they are, Josh is well into the hatchling stage. Thought 2: _Benrey is not prepared to be a Base Component. Where the fuck is Gordon "DILF" Freeman, and can he come help grow this child before Benrey has to be a teen mom, please?)_ Benrey very carefully pat-pats Josh on the shoulder that has a sleep sweater on it.

Josh lets out a snort-laugh. It sounds a little more stressed than snort-laughs are supposed to be. "My base components are my human parents and the 121-a radiation, Benrey; no one's gonna put you in charge of raising a twenty-year-old with a job. Also, aren't you kind of old to be a teen mom?" Benrey sits up harder than before.

Leaning in a bit, they say, "mind powers." Josh tilts his head at them, and they wriggle their hands at him. _"mind powers,"_ they repeat, "you read my brain!"

Josh frowns. Benrey thinks really hard at him that he's got super sick mind powers, and he's the coolest baby ever. After a second, Josh shakes his head and says, "I don't think I can do it when– i-if I'm– I don't know! I don't know about _any of this,_ Benrey!" Okay, uh-oh, little man's having a freakout. Benrey sticks his arms out, and Josh settles into them almost immediately, shivering a little when Benrey tries to do the back-rubby comforting thing he saw in a movie that one time. "I keep seeing Dr. Freeman in a big spacesuit," Josh mumbles. "And– and I think I see me? But I'm not anywhere I recognize, and it's– I-I don't know how I get there, or– o-o-or– _god,_ I'm so scared. I'm so _scared."_ Benrey thinks he's supposed to do some warm shushes here, but he also thinks that his shushes come out like dog whistles, so he settles for singing pink to white means you'll be alright. It takes a long time, but after a while, Josh falls asleep, still muttering things about Gatorade pools and sulfur air. The beanfreak boy is a clingy sleeper, but Benrey's gotta be up early tomorrow for Passport Checking, so they float up to the top bunk, kiss Professor X on the forehead, and tuck him in real good. Josh mumbles a little, turning over onto his side, and Benrey drops back down to the floor. It's okay. Little baby man just needs a good nap.

Tomorrow's gonna happen fine, perfectly, and it'll be all good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to clarify some of the weirder shit:  
> -g-man let tomer wander around black mesa as a child, and he and benrey have been friends since Pretty Much Always, which is why benrey gets to call him tommy instead of tomer. childhood best friend privileges.  
> -jefferem is another a lab-grown employee! the homegrown guard program was started (and scrapped) about a decade or two after the Perfect Scientist attempts, meaning jefferem's around fifty or so. he has SUPER super strength, which is more of a problem than anything else.  
> -the 121-a (RI-a) sample that josh mentions being exposed to is named after Uriah from Half-Life because josh is a vortigaunt/human hybridization attempt - hence the red eyes, extended range of hearing, slight telepathy, and premonition!


	2. sv_cheats 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright. cool. cool cool cool I hope you folks are ready for some EXTREMELY unreliable narration. everything aligned on the right is 100% Benrey. not everything on the left is the Antagonist. good luck!
> 
> warnings for:  
> -borderline unintelligible word salad  
> -two narrators pretending to be one narrator. they are not pretending well.  
> -gratuitous style fuckery  
> -mind control/manipulation  
> -unreality  
> -general confusion (memories blurring together, contradicting narration, lost time, etc.)  
> -canon-typical violence, blood  
> -delusions  
> -minor character death  
> -referenced upsetting canon events (ambush, clone hell, benrey boss fight)  
> -benrey checks gordon's heartbeat by clipping through the plating on his chest  
> -loss of control

There are three easily definable sections in Benrey's life: before Tommy, before the game, and the game.

(Benrey keeps losing The Game so much, thinking about it all, which is mega-sucks.)

Before Tommy, they were just a little creature, running on instinct and what deadfoods it was given while things poked and prodded at them in really hotbright rooms. Tommy broke in and picked him up to be a Base, and Benrey built a little dude out of that, and then he built himself into the little dude. Easy peasy. Level one shit.

Before the game, they were a Real Person and stuff. He could, um, hang out with his friends. And play games. There was a lot of complicated stuff, you know, where they had to be coordinated and, like, move their hands and their eyes but only two of each, so no one started screaming. Lame.

Now—  
now.  
Now's... happening.

It's um. Definitely happening in an order, that's uh. Yeah. He thinks he died? And people keep saying shit to him like he said something first, even when he didn't, and it's confusing. Their thoughts are all... weird. Muddled. Like a duck pond. Brain made of ducks. And code. But that's fine — he's just doing... routine things. Passport Guarding. Securing... stuff.

Benrey noclips up through the air and finds his way to the elevator, finally sitting down on the edge as it descends. Just seems like the uh, the thing to do, y'know. But he should um– Benrey should stand up and be in the middle of the elevator with the waffle floor. They should do that. They should stand up, but they don't _wanna_ stand up. They're comfortable! Mmmm, not that comfortable, though. Yeah, not that comfortable. They hop off the rail and stand in the middle of the elevator as it slowly lowers, and they hear– Gordon? Best friend? Gordon Freeman? Gordon Freeman is here, yeah, looking at him, hi. Hey. Benrey knows him.

Oh, shit, Gordon Freeman's breaking rules. "hey," Benrey says, walking closer, "you're not supposed to be in here." Gordon Freeman is looking at him through the hev suit, heavy suit, and he sticks out a hand. For holding. Obviously. That's what, um. They do that all the time; they're great friends, except Benrey's not friends with people who break the rules and Gordon Freeman's breaking all of them. Guess they gotta be rivals. Mortal– mortal enemies, yeah, that's um. Benrey hates him so much, hates him with their life. That's right. Yeah. They remember — brain like a STEEL TRAP.

"—impeding my progress," Gordon Freeman says. Benrey stares at him. His torso says JOJOSH SIWA. Benrey's pretty sure torsos aren't supposed to um. Do that.

Benrey says, "yeah?" Gordon Freeman hits him with a crowbar. Like, hard. Which is– checks out 'cause they're rivals– fucked _up?_ Huh? Gordon's his best friend!! They're best friennnds, Benrey's supposed to think about the sand, and the sand and the mud, and dragging Gordon under the water with him to get his hair wet because Gordon threatened to strap him to the top of the car with bungee cords on the way back and Benrey wants to hang out in the sun on the highway. Benrey's covered in blood, what– oh, Gordon Freeman's piece of metal has blood on it. Wh... did? "did you just hit me?" Benrey asks.

"I _did,"_ Gordon says. He's saying more words after that, but Benrey doesn't listen to them because they're thinking about the s– Gordon Freeman's being fucking mean, bro. He's so mean. No wonder Benrey hates him. He never should have let him in here. He doesn't even have his passport — what– what kind of fucking idiot doesn't bring their passport? Benrey's got his passport. They forged it. It's theirs. Says um. Passport. And Benry. 'Cause it's not actually a crime to make a passport if it's not your name on it and Benrey hasn't been– their name hasn't been Benry for um. Long time. Since– since. A long time. "You _died."_ Benrey looks at him.

He's godmoded. They think they might be, too.

Benrey comes back when they die. Gordon knows this. Gordon– Freeman is so fucking mean to him, always, all the time. Doesn't even know about respawns. Idiot. "yeah, so?" The intercom starts going off, really really loud, and yells about passports. Benrey should yell about passports. Nah, nah, they don't, um, they don't yell. Bad on the. Boxvoice. Where the tubes go. But he could talk about 'em. He loves talking about passports. Yeah, yeah, Benrey loves talking about passports and they love talking to Gordon and they love Gordon so much he's their best friend, and he fucking hates Gordon Freeman. More like Gordon Feetman.

Gordon sounds kinda mad when he asks, "What do you want me to do? Just lay down and die?" Benrey doesn't laugh 'cause that gives the joke away and because making Gordon laugh at the jokes instead of at their laugh is just better. Feels good, feels organic.

"uh, yeah. yeah, sure."

Gordon laughs, but he keeps talking through it, sounding like he's trying not to. Benrey frowns. Fucked up. He's not even being funny back, so what's– huh? Oh, everyone's on the elevator now, cool. Partying. "Hello, Benrey; here's my passport!" Tommy says, pointing a gun at Benrey. That's fucked up. Gun safety's important; that's the first thing he learned when they let him secure guards.

But it's– no, it's okay, actually? Everyone's– Black Mesa's um, dangerous.

Tommy can control time, why's he need a gun, too?

Hard to control time in a video game.

Yeah, okay, that makes a– yeah, yeah.

Good.

Checks out.

Gordon clambers up the ladder, and Benrey trips him, sends him falling back into the lake, spluttering and laughing. He climbs back up again and his hair's all wet and the sun's bouncing off the water and making him look sparkly and pretty and he's not... laughing? Or wearing a swimsuit. It's a– hev, heavy suit, with the helmet, and they're still in Black Mesa, and Gordon Freeman's saying swears at them and not in a friends way because they're enemies and they hate each other. Right. Benrey knows that. Brain like a sssteel trap.

* * *

Josh is lying down.

It's fine. Benrey would have killed any guards down h

_Joshua Reardon is lying, dead, on the ground._

They crouch over him and try to pull his head up so they can look at his eyes and know if they're still red or if the game took that too, but necrosis has set in, and there's a big fucking snap. Fuck. Fuck, their _friend–_ who did this. Who fucking did this to him? Who's gonna get in trouble? Who's Benrey going to kill? Gordon Freem– Freerdon, Reaman, Gordon says something, crouching down, and Benrey stands up between them. They want to hug him and they want to scream and they want to go back in time and they want to tell Josh to get out of Black Mesa, to just run, there's a beach in the eyes where they can meet, "what the fuck did you do," Benrey growls because Gordon wasn't there, because Gordon is _never there_ for his son, and now Josh is dead. Benrey's friend.

Gordon's friend.

But Gordon did this? Didn't Gordon do this? Benrey's head is _splitting,_ the steel trap snapped shut and everything hurts so much and Josh is dead, his friend, his friend of Josh, even though he looks just like Benrey because they're both models and everything's the same because none of this is real the way it used to be and Benrey doesn't know the command to bring him _back._

Another guard spawns in on the other side of the room. Benrey shoots him

but he doesn't know why. Why did they shoot him? Haven't they gotten enough people killed? None of them are people, but Jefferem's probably dead too, huh? Benrey can't– can't secure shit? Huh? Just keeps getting people so unsecure they just– they fucking _die_ because he sucks so bad at securing guards? Josh and Jefferem and Benrey and Benrey and Benreybenrybenrybenrybut they come back _why do they keep coming back?_

for symmetry.

It's alright; he did it for symmetry.

"You– are a fucking anomaly," Gordon Freeman says, and Benrey can hear how much hatred drips from the words.

"i did it for symmetry," Benrey says because they did. Obviously. Duh.

* * *

Benrey sees something like them in the halls and turns the other way and _runs._ Nah, no, he should– other Samples aren't that bad, always, he should go back and, y'know, talk to him. 'Bout what the military wants.

Benrey. Should fucking what?

They dunno; for some reason, it just seems like a uhh good idea. Best idea. Bestest basedest basteredest idea. To go and talk to the other Sample.

Benrey sits down, criss-cross-applesauce, and starts rooting through their categories. Which he really doesn't need to be doing. Like, there's so much better and also other things? For him to do? He could, um. Bug Gordon Freeman. Or talk to the other soldier-boy-man, they could learn about the army things. Codes. H- he could– he could stop looking through his categories. He could stop. He doesn't want to look through his categories. He does not want to be doing this right now. _Benrey is going to stop._

Uh, yeah, no. Nice fuckin' uh. Good try. Benrey's not gonna go talk to– talk to anybody. ACAB. They're gonna find out what's wrong with them so they can be Gordon's friend again.

Gordon Freeman would probably like them if they talked to

BRO. TRY BETTER.

Benrey finds the piece of code embedded deep, under six sub-folders and, like, two whole skin, and tries to pluck it out. Their hands still and freeze and stutter and awhh, shit, it's loadbearing bootlicker HTML. Boot– hang on, they can– boohtmlick? BooHTMLicker? B– no. Damn. Fucked up. But the– hey, hey, Bernie's smart, right? He could um. Help. Put in a different loaded bearer for their shitty little body, that'd be– yeah, yeah, Benrey's gonna go ask Bubby for help. It's all coming together. Best planner ever? Benrey. He's got so much IQ it just– it, it, it all spills over the sides of his head like a bucket. Brain size: hugelarge.

* * *

Bubby whispers back, "Are you sure that's going to work? I mean he's– I don't reset completely when _I_ die! And I'm not sure he'll come back!"

Benrey stares. Where is he? What's... happening? "huh?" Benrey says, except their mouth keeps moving and more sounds keep coming out.

"I..." Bubby says, looking guilty, to the ground, to the side. "I _do_ want to go home."

Benrey looks up at the ceiling. It's a different one. That's weird. Guess his boots were made for walking even when he's not tryna go anywhere. Auto monotone boots. No, that's not it– what's it? Tommy would know, Tommy knows everything, he's the smartest– Bubby's saying words? Why? What's– what words are–? **I Am Once Again Asking For Fire,** is what he's saying, probably. Benrey doesn't wanna pay attention when he could think about. 'Bout, uhhhhhh.

Passport?

Yeah, passport.

Tommy helped with the forgeries.

That's nice of him.

* * *

Gordon's not being their friend, still. Sucks. Mean. The bit's– bit's good! Bit's funny. But it's uhh getting kinda boring now? Not funny anymore? Benrey wants to be able to kiss the homies, please and thank you? Gordon Freeman should uhh. Hard Reset. Then they could be friends again and watch Stars War.

Trackstar.

...sure. Gotta hard reset first, though. Has, has um, has Benrey tried turning it off and on again? 'Cause the s– sss, uh, the bootboys. Boot Boys would turn it off.

And back on again for the reset.

And– yeah, back. Probably. It's fine, who give a shit. And. Uh. Bernie's helping. Bubby agrees they should do this to go home, and Bubby's best. Bubby Is Best. It's on the concrete, right there, see? Right in carving. Like Mesopotamia. He's selling really– really high-quality copper ingots. Ber– _what?_ Where did that even– hey when Benrey gets out of here, he should get tested for ADHD.

Yeah, they've got, uh, Symptoms Syndrome. They got a Problems Disorder. A, a, a fuckin' uh—

Benrey wants to sell Gordon Freeman out to the soldiers as soon as possible so that the game can be over already. Bubby kicks the ball back at them. They kick it back.

Benrey likes having friends.

* * *

"Well," says Dr. Clones, "this is my stop!" Gordon and Tommy aren't with them. When did– where'd they go?

"Oh," answers Bernie. "You... you're going to help him find the way out, right?"

"I'm going to try and skin him!"

"You _what?_ Oh my god, what is _wrong_ with you?"

Dr. Clones smiles. Polite old man. "We've already killed one of our dearest friends on this journey, Bubby; Dr. Backman didn't deserve to die! I might as well try and wear my protegé as a Skin Suit, so I can escape this _blasted_ Hard Drive while we're on a roll with all the murders!" Bernie makes like a rock and stops. His fists clench. Grampa fight? Benrey gonna see... AEW: Oldman Event?

"No one else is hurting Gordon."

"I assure you, his death will be extremely painfless!"

Bernie scoffs at that. Crispy breathing. "Oh, sure, where have I heard that before? Ah yes, _when Benrey convinced me to give Gordon a 'Hard Reset'!_ My god, I just want to go _home_ without everything falling to shit, but everyone's too busy fucking up all the time and killing each other!" Bernie's screaming, waving his arms. Wacky Waveable Inflatable Tube Grandpa. Wait. Bernie's already a Tube Grandpa. He's just got that as a– permanent. Thing. For always and ever. Like Jefferem. "Is the peeling him like a goddamn– I don't even know what! The adjective 'peeling' is bad enough on its own! Is it going to be painless like _when I got his fucking arm chopped off,_ Harold?"

This is bad. Benrey has– there are things to do. Gotta secure some guards and stuff, and Dr. Clones' doing necessary uhh. Monitoring. Making sure Gordon has a skin. That's important — everybody's gotta have a skin. Like seals. Can't leave 'em hanging around or else the uh, fisherman's gonna get 'em, and then none of them can get home. Tube Bernie's fucking up the resealables. Benrey should

Ziploc.

Wha?

Bubby has Ziploc 'cause he's good at having stuff and also at having things. Benrey needs a ziploc for Tommy's pigeon gift.

That already happened.

Huh?

Yeah. Ohhhh, yeah, Benrey remembers. Steel trap. Trapped Gordon Freeman. Did a prank. Save– saved him because Benrey is his best friend, and they're great of friends, and uhh yeah. But Bernie– Bernie's fucking all that up, and Benrey needs to– follow the rules. Can Bernie follow the rules, please? Dr. Clones says words. "—didn't feel a thing, Professor!" Benrey spawns a bottle on the ground.

Bubby says, "They're the same goddamn person, you idiot!" Benrey picks the bottle up. It's green. Pretty cool.

Dr. Clones laughs like a box of jello. Pudding cup doctor. "On the contrary, Bubby! Gordon is a dear friend of mine. This Player is an impostor, and when I use Dr. Freeman to escape into their world, I'm going to rearrange their skeletal structure with a butter knife!" Benrey smashes the bottle over the back of Bubby's bald head. Bubby crumples. "Ah," says Dr. Pudding Cup, looking proud, "excellent work, Blunderbuss!" Benrey stares at him.

He looks lonely. "where's the rest of you?" Dr. Jello tilts his head and puts his hand up to his ear, and a bunch of other Dr. Jelli (Jelly? Jelloseses?) start spawning in. Now he won't be lonely in the water room. That's good. You're not s'posed to uh, be lonely by the water. Water's a friends place.

There's water nearby that Bernie should see.

Benrey takes his fizzygun and picks him up, and his boots are made for walkin', so that's just what they do, and he opens the hotelevator door and drops Bubby in. So he can wake up when the elevator gets down to the uh, dock. Beach? Lobby? Gordon told him about staying at a beach with an elevator once. Where's Gordon? Benrey wants to– there's a beach he wants to see with all of his friends because he has friends and beaches are such a cool. Benrey just has to keep walking, and then Bernie and Gordon Freeman, and Tommy will all be there waiting.

And Josh?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Benrey presses the elevator button for Bubby since he's still sleeping, and his boots walk him down to the beach.

* * *

Benrey's not at the beach. Everything's red. There's a skeleton lying down next to him.

Benrey's sitting, so they stand up, and they feel– dizzy. Like everything's kinda moving around them on teacups, and they're gonna barf. (Josh told him about teacups. That hurts his chest. Why does that hurt?) Gordon says, "You goin' to bed?" Benrey looks around and– oughhh, bad's head, head, head's baaaad everything bad ow. Ow. Fuck.

They lean on the wall for support, and Gordon just kinda looks at him. Gordon's. Gordon's arm– "hey, where'd your—" _his head hurts so fucking much._ Hey, stop, please? Let him– let him talk? Without his skull breaking? Please?

"What?" Gordon asks. What has the game been doing?

What... what has _Benrey_ been doing?

"what happened to your arm?" Benrey asks, and they make it as soft as they can, but Gordon doesn't. Doesn't do anything. He doesn't start crying or screaming or anything, just... sits down. His helmet slams into the ground and he cradles his bloody stump to the chest of his HEV suit, and Benrey– Benrey wouldn't have. They– they couldn't– but thinking about anything before right now is _hurts,_ is big fucking sucks, and it's.

Did they do that?

Benrey sits down, and he makes himself ragdoll so he can lie down next to Gordon. As carefully as possible, he adjusts his pinky until it's brushing against Gordon's armored one. Gordon doesn't notice.

Benrey waits until everyone is definitely asleep, and then he respawns, sits back up, and takes Gordon by the elbow. He doesn't react at all, and the gloves are too thick for Benrey to know if there's still a pulse. Benrey looks at the turned ket – Tommy's yellow tie, the one with a Secret Cherry embroidered at the bottom – tied at his elbow and then at the wound itself, which looks like it's bandaged with torn-off bits of Tommy's lab coat. Did no one else help? Did– did Benrey not help? Not important. It's, he, he can worry about it later.

Benrey sings with the wowozela, where there's no one to hear or see them. They say that Gordon needs to be okay and that everything's gonna be fine, 'cause that's what Gordon said about it, and that his arm's– Benrey can't make it grow back, but it'll stop bleeding. And hurting. (Turquoise-green, just like a flood, means that they're stopping the blood, and orange like a caterpillar means they're acting as pain-killer. Or– something. Probably. He's just singing with pretty lights attached, and he knows that, but it's nice to pretend he doesn't. Probably doesn't hurt to go a little longer ignoring that his first language is something anyone with the right mods can do.) Benrey tells him that it's going to get disinfected, and Gordon doesn't stir even though Benrey _knows_ he _knows he knows he knows_ that the green-and-white-specked Sweet Voice makes people get really mad at him because it hurts. It's just that none of the meanings or the colors are real, and it's just that Benrey isn't _actually_ saying anything, but Benrey... Benrey is scared. He could come back that before the game, but he couldn't resurrect. Only self-revive.

He doesn't know how to bring back anyone else.

Gordon is so, so still.

They noclip their hand through the plating on the suit and put their palm as close to his collarbone as possible while still being kind-of-on-his chest-enough to feel a heartbeat if it's there. (Benrey thinks, maybe a lil hysterically, _sorry tails if this looks gay to the viewers_ and focuses really hard on not clipping through undershirt or touching his friend's titty.) He nearly starts crying with relief when the heel of his hand picks up a _ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump._

Benrey should reach in further and squeeze until Gordon Freeman's heart bursts.

Benrey yanks his hand out of the suit and suicides immediately.

* * *

Gordon isn't in love with them. Which is, like– duh, 'course, Benrey– they've got a _big_ brain, okay, wrinkly hugelarge brain in their– in their head. They knew. But it still sucks. Still– it kinda hurts. 'Cause he– y'know, you gotta kiss the homies, and Gordon _said,_ he said, that um. If he was in love with someone and they got put on an alien planet, he'd kiss them. And Ben– Benrey is uhhh definitely. Unkissed. Even though they're home.

Benrey's still gonna make him laugh, though. Gonna say– gotta, gotta maaaake jokes. Say– 'cause Gordon laughs when they say all of the things that pop into their big big smartbrain, so they just think of as many things as they can. But Gordon just stares. Points a tubes at him where his arm was– what happened to his arm? When did– that... it doesn't matter.

Benrey wants

no he doesn't.

...they are in the final boss fight. There is no point trying to fight back anymore.

Huh? Uh, no, they know. No, there's uh. But none of it needs to be in Benrey's head? Like, the skeletons or code or whatever could just. Like. It could ask, bro. Be polite? Please and thank you?

Benrey is the only one here who has fought back quite so effectively against the suggestions. This _is_ asking.

It could ask better.

Benrey should let himself become the Antagonist, so the Player will enjoy the final boss fight.

...Benrey doesn't have to hurt them? If they let the Antagonist take over?

Benrey will not have to hurt anyone ever again.

Yeah. Yeah, they give up


	3. /noclip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for:  
> -canonical character death  
> -unreality  
> -self-loathing  
> -identity issues  
> -G U I L T  
> -implied/referenced despicable me 2  
> -acceptance of death  
> -brief lack of shelter

control.

...Oh.

Benrey is... huh.

Benrey _isn't._

* * *

Benrey floats, for a while, in the space beneath the map. Dying must've clipped him out or something. Maybe when Gordon hit him with the fuckin'– Extra down-slash. That was– ruled, that was really fucking cool. Benrey thinks it hurt, but like, y'know. He doesn't uh... memory's not super clear, or whatever, so it's. It's Gucci. Gucky. It's great.

No-one's gonna wanna see him for a bit, so it– yeah. Benrey's gonna... chill here. He's just chilling. And they had a– they had some soda before they got murdered, and you're not supposed to swim for an hour or else you'll get cramps? And cramps suck, so he's gonna uhhh wait. For an hour. For. Maybe like uh, three. Or.

(Benrey thinks about seeing Tommy or Gordon again. Benrey thinks about wanting the Protagonist to let Companion_1 go so they could kill him.)

Benrey's gonna wait. For a while. Long– long time, biglong time, the, just the fucking, the _widest_ time. So no one tries to kill him again 'cause that was uh... cool? Gordon Freeman Anime Momence? Pretty nifty? Benrey is actually _not._ Into murder. It's against the– killing people's illegal? You can't do that? What the fuck? So Benrey's gonna wait here until no-one's gonna wanna murder them.

* * *

Benrey is really bored. There aren't any games out here, and he can't talk to anyone because they're all gonna try and kill him again, so he. Floats. It'll all float on, all right.

They hum as much of the song to themself as they remember – those words, that's it – until it stops being fun, and then they hum something else. He and Tommy had a movie night on one of their Days Off where they watched Despicable Me and then Despicable Me 2, and Benrey spent two hours trying to sing Happy in wowozela. Tommy laughed and cheered him on the whole time. He said rhymes and looked in the thesaurus for color synonyms and kept distracting Benrey so much that all they could say was red to blue. Tommy– Tommy always works so hard to understand them. Even when he handed his– his uh, his _him,_ over to the Antagonist, Tommy kept trying not to fight. Kept trying to Understand so they wouldn't.

...

Benrey wasn't. 

He wasn't there? For the boss fight? But he remembers it like, _just_ like he was, and he remembers all the feelings. Not being-hurt feelings, or model-glitching-into-godtrash feelings, just. He remembers looking down at his friends and wanting them all dead. He didn't hate them; he just needed them gone. The Antagonist wasn't Benrey, but Benrey was the Antagonist, and– Benrey thinks he still is? Antagonism is like... part of them. Loadbearing code. Codebear. And it gets covered up by rice, like "c/barney" and "r+right/prima," but it's still _in there._ If all his categories are rice, then the Antagonist is an egg, and the game fucking fried him. Benrey can't take it out. Benrey can't pick out the thing and the thoughts that made them look down at their best friend and their Base and their soccer buddy and their other Outside The World friend and just see obstacles. Health bars to set to zero.

"clap along," they mumble, floating outside of the map, "if you feel like a room without a roof."

Being bored is good, actually? Not seeing their friends is, um. Probably good. Yeah.

* * *

Benrey is somewhere between his six-hundredth and eight-hundredth out-of-map EXCLUSIVE karaoke cover of Happy (he's gotta keep track of time somehow out here in The Void™) when he realizes that the Antagonist _really–_ it fucking _believed_ that Gordon dropped his real-human-son in the security dorms like Benrey was some kind of wolves. The Big Bad, with a nasty-rancid Final Form and an Evil Monologue and fuckin, Abilities. Thought he was owed _child support money._ The skeleton wanted cringe cash from the fail dad.

Benrey forgets to count the seconds while they aren't singing because they're laughing so hard.

* * *

He keeps falling asleep by accident. He doesn't _have_ to sleep unless he wants to, so that's probably not, uh. Good. Probably means pretty bad things.

Gordon – Protagonist Gordon, anyways; Benrey never got to stay the night with not-a-game Gordon – got really mad when they didn't sleep, though. He got mad at Benrey for a lot of things. Checks out. They think that he probably– y'know, like, didn't wanna. Get looked at while he was sleeping. 'Cause that when things got more not-real, and everything changed, got real bad if they weren't sleeping, too. Probably that.

Benrey falls asleep.

* * *

Benrey blinks slowly, and he thinks he's farther away from Xen than he was before.

He looks at the edges of his home, all of the red polygons and blood water. Worst– worst beach. 0 out of 10: sucks so bad and will _not_ recommend, thank you. He yawns even though he just woke up and turns his head to look out into the out-of-world. Just an endless black, like... Benrey opens his mouth and sings the same shade. The sound dies as soon as it leaves him, kinda like the Sweet Voice's light does, but s'okay. It means, uh– _vantablack means they're not going back._ Yeah. They smile at that– Tommy'd be so fucking proud of them for the rhymes– and their eyes close.

* * *

Their chest is humming. That's a... can't be good. Prob  
ably real  
bad, and. 

Stuff. 

Mmnh. 

They unclip their vest so it'll stop buzzing against their skin like an alarm clock, turns back over so the distant light of the map won't wake them up, and find that it's actually even darker than The Void™ underneath their eyelids.

* * *

His whole body is humming. Sounds like... like someone? Someone makes them  
hhhum? 

Sleepy sucks. None of their thoughts wanna stick. 

When he turns around, there's no Xen. Oh. Guess... "we'll all float on," he sings, closing his eyes and floating even further away from the world, probably. "alright."

* * *

Benrey wakes up like a ketchup bottle.

 **"wh,"** they shout, squinting against a bright glare and looking around. The everything's too bright. And– cold? "whadda hell," Benrey whispers, and then he has to add, "bulnosaur..." because it's the Rules. They can barely hear themself beneath all the– is that wind? _Is Benrey outside?_ He sits up– oh, gravity existing now means he can feel the healed-over piece of bones Gordon broke his spine, neat– pats himself over, and looks around. He's sitting on concrete. There's a world around him. There's– it's a _world,_ not like Black Mesa was a Place, how– how—?

There's a quiet throat-clearing from behind them. "I could not manage, 'Play Station Plus,' but... I _hope,_ this will... suffice." Benrey lies back down again; Tommy's dad doesn't step back in time, and the back of Benrey's head lands on its shiny shoes. It gives him a rye-bread smile, which looks like if Tommy got twenty more wrinkles overnight and then tried to do a smile with fish-hooks instead of muscles. "You are... _very_ lucky you forgot the, 'terms' of the game when you did, Ben-rey. Had it been, one second later, I... do not _believe_ I could have... brought you back," he says. There's a sun behind him. And his eyes look like a normal shade of blue, out in the Whole World, which is. Benrey's out. In the world. Outside of Black Mesa and outside of– of everything after. That's gotta be... they should take a photo. Comemory-tate it.

"when did i ask you for playstation plus?" Benrey mumbles, and they think they remember Jefferem explaining that if any of the guards, even Anomalous ones, hit their head really hard against something, Benrey should check them for concussions. Does dying give you a concussion?

Tommy's dad slides a hand into his suit jacket and pulls out what looks like a laser-pointer but that Benrey's pretty sure is actually a physgun, and pulls them to their feet. "The Antagonist built itself off of you... _near,_ to exactly."

Benrey wrinkles his nose. "fucker."

"Indeed," agrees Tommy's dad with another fish-hook smile. "I'm... afraid I am needed, _elsewhere,_ Ben-rey, but... please. Tell Tomer that I am... _sorry._ I could not make time to, visit." It takes a step back and then pauses. "And– I am sorry that I could not, retrieve _you..._ sooner." Benrey frowns. They wanna ask about– about all of it? And also, how long it's been because karaoke and sleep are a shit way of tracking time? And where is he right now? But Tommy's dad does his little warpy-warp and now Benrey's standing on a concrete, getting colder and colder from wind even though there's a whole sun above him. 

Pretty sure the sun's s'posed to be _warm._

He scowls at up it. It hurts their eyes. 

Benrey decides that the sun sucks, actually.

* * *

People keep looking at him. They lost their helmet in the void, somewhere, or maybe it just came off when they died, but their hair is messy and sticky with– something red. He doesn't know what. He doesn't wanna know what. The hall– not a hall. Like a hall? But outside. The outside hall got boring, so Benrey went walking, and he walked all the way to a bunch of plants around a concrete place, with a Big Bath in the middle of it. Little kids come by and throw coins in the bath. (Dirty money, probably. Gotta clean it.) The sky gets darker, kinda like when the dorm lights would get all dim when it was time for Sleeping, and Benrey wanders through the world, looking at all the green and the gray and the beige. 

They sit down on one of the metal benches on the conk creet, and a pigeon flaps away from the Big Bath to peck at the ground in front of him. Benrey's hand goes to their hip, and the holster with the gun isn't there. Sucks. They coulda– coulda ate it. Fucked up. No lunch for Benny.

When all the streetlamps turn on, pretty much everybody stops being around and staring. Some people are still there, but they mostly just put big jackets and plastic over the benches and then lie down under them. Looks comfy. Benrey might try that later if they wanna try sleeping again after– after so much voidsleeping. He. Probably won't. Try it yet. Besides, they gotta– they gotta keep looking at the Big Bath in the middle. Where all the coins are, and the birds keep slurping from.

He waits until everybody's all seepy cosy before taking off their boots and then sitting down in the Big Bath, washing off slowly and carefully. Gotta be– gotta be Meh Tick You Less. Can't keep being a dirty bird.

The water's colder than the lake up in the eyes, by a lot, but it's all– this is fine? This is fine. More water keeps coming out at the top, and Benrey scrubs at their hair to get the Red out of it, watching as the water goes brown and red and pink and then clear again. There's Xen dirt under his fingernails. He can't pick it out. It's fine. This is all fine, actually? It's okay?

There's more wind when they finally get out of the bath, and it makes them kinda glad that they're s'posed to be cold. If he wasn't Built Different, then all of the cold water drying in the cold wind might be... mega sucks. All– all kindsa bad. But they're, uh. They're good — cold's good. Gordon didn't listen when he said that the first time, and attacked him _so_ rude, ly, rudely and meanly, with a big fluffy towel, and—

Gordon slammed gunmetal into their spine; Benrey can't remember if it hurt.

Cold's good. Lonely's... good.

One of the people sleeping has a shiny purple jacket on top of their bench, and Benrey stares at it. It's reflecting all of the street's lamps. Benrey unbuttons his Work Shirt and trades them like Montana Jones, putting on the crinkly jacket over their plain white shirt. Black Mesa had weird things about everyone wearing the same thing and having them all look nice, so Benrey has... so many layers. But. Less now. Just– just two. One and a half.

They start walking back to the outside hallway, and it's getting brighter again by the time they sit down against a wall. It's cold. They like cold. It's fine. He's all– he's fine.

* * *

Benrey, curled up next to a dumpster with their New Better Jacket over his head, hates the rain a lot more than the sun? So much more? Fuck all of this? It's not at all like the beach. He can't step out of the rain and dry off and kick sand around, and there's no one– no one's here with him to help explain how to act like a person about it. No one's here. Benrey can't trust himself or his Antagonism to be good around anyone.

They huddle into themself. The rain stings their cheek.

Tommy's dad didn't try and kill them. Maybe–? No, Benrey didn't try and kill _him,_ so it's not the same. But– but it said to talk to Tommy. Maybe... maybe. Maybe? It's cold enough that he's shivering. Even though they– fuck. Fuck, fine, _okay,_ it's– he just needs to get out of the rain. And then he's gonna leave again. He c– they're not gonna. Stay. 'Cause if they did stay, something bad might happen, and that's not... then Tommy's dad would be disappointed. He doesn't wanna disappoint Mr. Coolatta. It's a– it brought him back. And he's the Tommy Rules Club Founder! Benrey's just the president.

Benrey sorts through their co– n. No. Mr. Coolatta said forgetting Not Real stuff was why it could bring them back. What was– rice? Yeah. Sorts through their rice, pushing aside any bits of egg they find, until they get to their Base. 

He just needs to pull. 

He hesitates. 

(Will it even work outside of Black Mesa? What if... what if Tommy's happier without him there? What if Benrey can't fix the categories and they try and kill everyone again? If there's no more game, there's no more godmode, and he could hurt someone. He already _did_ hurt them all, and that's just– just what he remembers. They don't know what they did before the boss fight. They know it wasn't right.)

(Here's something else he knows: he's really selfish.)

Benrey pulls, and it feels like a betrayal and the best option at the same time. The bass-pluck hum that ripples out through where their bones should be and settles in their chest is higher-pitched than they thought would happen, but it's– it's okay. It's OK! He's gonna find Tommy, and he's gonna get a place to stay for a night, and then he'll leave again. 

Things're gonna– they'll be O. 

K. 

It's fine.

The world is. Big. Bigger than Black Mesa, and that was _huge._ So it takes a really long time to follow the tug all the way to Tommy. The sky keeps being wet and also cold, which is mean, but at least Benrey can talk to themself without anyone looking at them weird. No one else is here! It's just– just him and the raaain, out late. Singin' in the rain. Yeah. Orange like a tangerine means he feels anxiety glows through the drizzle, and it's kinda pretty, at least. They talk about blush and chartreuse and dandelion and tangerine and tangerine and tangerine. Mr. Coolatta said to tell Tommy that it's sorry it couldn't visit. So Benrey has to do that. He can't just go to the eyes instead. Gordon– Gordon took him to the eyes, it's– they could get there. Probably? And then he could live on the beach. That'd be nice. 

They've gotta talk to Tommy, first. They gotta complete their Quest.

The tug gets stronger and stronger, and then it starts tugging _up_ and– Tommy won't mind if he goes in through one of the windows on the side of the apartment simple, right? He broke into their Living Space all the time when they were little. It's– Benrey's only staying for a bit, anyway. They can. They'll nap on the couch and then leave a note and go away again. Find the eyes.

He can't noclip anymore, so he settles for jumping _real_ good and hooking his hands over the railing on the outside of the bricks. They haul themself up and walk up more stairs and ladders and stairs again and also stairs and another ladders until the tug is more like a magnet inside the window and they're a little sewing needle getting smashed against it. They Flat Stanley their fingers under the ledge and roll in _so_ stealthy – S Rank – and then collapse into the couch.

Benrey closes his eyes. 

(They don't sleep.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw it/its pronouns for G-Man once I have NOT stopped thinking about that. so. he/it gman. 
> 
> in reference to agimob's timeline, this is kind of... I think it'd be chapter 4.5? So next chapter (which is probably gonna be delayed like, a week or so since I started work again) would be agimob's mid-chapter five to epilogue.

**Author's Note:**

> I have SO MUCH LORE about this AU. come find me on tumblr @localdisasterisk and yell at me about it? also I eat kudos and comments like tasty treats thank you if you leave them and I love you


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